Becca Lu's Journal

2005-04-19T07:39:00.000-07:00

icon

2005-03-21T01:30:00.000-08:00

skulls

2005-03-21T01:29:00.000-08:00

guitar

2005-03-15T10:12:00.000-08:00

ignore this too. eek

2005-03-15T09:55:00.000-08:00

ignore it

2005-03-15T01:01:00.000-08:00

too many fucking updates today.. i know, but damn!

2005-03-14T22:55:00.000-08:00

The Goddess of Ice and Hope. You are a creative
wonder. Always calm and collected, you hold the
awe of many people and you are exceptionally
logical. You are an inspirational beauty.

Which gorgeous goddess are you? For girls! (breath taking pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

2005-03-14T21:33:00.000-08:00

somebody tell me why John Nolan is so damn sexy!!!! (pic is from the website straylightrun.com)

WHAT!?

2005-03-14T21:13:00.000-08:00

MMMMM... Straylight Run....MmmMmmmmm... Johnny Depp! Haha. Yes!!!! I got the straylight run cd and now I am totally having eargasms! AND my Johnny Depp poster is totally giving me...well...nevermind that! Haha. It is so great though! AND BIG! I love it...Pirates are sexy. Sorry Colin, forgive me. lol.

2005-03-13T18:44:00.000-08:00

(original picture is from moovees.com... I added the blue boarder and words. meh)

2005-03-13T15:53:00.000-08:00

ryan... don't call me...

My eyes burn...

2005-03-13T13:40:00.000-08:00

Ah. My hair turned out awesome. I am so excited for everyone to see it over spring break. *teehee*. I hope everyone loves it as much as me.

On another subject: my sleeping is getting like 10 times worse. Last night I stayed up talking to Jarrett until 5:30. Ugh. I couldn't sleep knowing I could talk to him, and then I was like... I'm gonna go... and he begged me to stay. How can you say no to something so beautiful. Haha. So...yeah... the I ended up passing out and sleeping until 1 today. I should not have went to bed. I think that's what I'll do tonight... mhm. Maybe nap later so it's easier to stay awake the entire night... and then just never go to bed until the following night. So yeah..... exhaust myself to sleep at night. It's gonna be great. Haha. If I'm bitchy tomorrow, you know why. *haha* Love you all *muah!* Peace!

what are you?

2005-03-12T23:43:00.000-08:00

~*~*~*~*~UNIQUE~*~*~*~*~
You are different. You're the type of person that
is easily spotted in a crowd. You have a
radiant personality. You probably go through a
lot of mood swings from happy to lonely, angry
to sad, loving to spiteful, and so on. Be aware
that your sudden change in personality may
offend some people. People like to be around
you because you are genuine and relaxed. You
seem at peace with yourself and you give off
that "what you see is what you get"
vibe. That's a good thing because your general
audience will feel relaxed and at ease knowing
that they too can be themselves with out having
to worry. Try not to judge others on their
appearance. It's not nice. Over all you're a
spirited person who enjoys having a good time!
Good for you! :o)

You're Beautiful...but why? ( PICS)
brought to you by Quizilla

rude.

2005-03-12T16:35:00.000-08:00

So... today Jennifer and her boyfreind Will came over and had lunch with us and then were playing basketball and we were all having a pretty good time. Well, when they left, Me, my mom, dad, kendrick, clay and keegan decided to play a game of horse. All went well. Then after the game was over, just me, kendrick, clay and keegan played again.... well all was going well until I started beating Kendrick. He got so pissed off... and when I told him to calm down, he called me a bitch! Thats not even the worst part... I got up in his face and was like... DO YOU REALLY WANT TO CALL ME THAT?! and he pushed me... so I pushed him back... and he threw me on the ground! My hand and leg is bleeding... Ugh! I just went in the house because if I would have fought back his skull would be in the concrete... I seriously have anger issues... I can't believe that little bitch. I swear... if I get ahold of him today I will probably kill him. BITCH!

2005-03-11T23:54:00.000-08:00

if you dont, dont

Definately an emo day.

2005-03-11T16:44:00.000-08:00

"...I know you well enough to know you never loved me.." -TBS
"...What they call love is a risk, 'cause you always get hit out of nowhere by some wave and end up on your own..." -BN
"I'll be just fine pretending I'm not.. I'm far from lonely and it's all that I've got" -The Used.
"You're as welcome as cancer, but my doors always unlocked..." -MatchbookRomance
"I'm not okay... you wear me out.. " -MyChemicalRomance
"I should have known that you were a killer, but now I'm dead.." -SensesFail
"Since I replaced the 'I' in live with an 'O', I can't remember who you are..." -Thursday
"And to think I might not see those eyes, makes it so hard not to try... and as we say our long goodbye... I nearly do..." -SnowPatrol
"And I'm throwing away the letters that I was writing you, cause they would never do... I would never do..." -Dashboard Confessional
"Have you ever cried so hard that you think that you just died?..." -Atreyu
"Hopeless love, why did you carve your home in me?" -DaphneLovesDerby
"I'll wait for you... but I can't wait forever..." -HawthorneHeights
"I wish no one in my place." -Brandnew
"I can laugh all I want inside, I still am empty.." -TheUsed
"You've got to walk away now... it's over..." -TheStreets
"Wearing your black eye like a badge of honor, soaking in simpathy, for friends who never loved you NEARLY HALF AS MUCH AS ME!!!"- TBS
"In the spring, you will bloom like her heart through the blouse in the back of the ambulance, as it turned and turned down the street, just one more turn... won't you come back to me? and as it turn it's red lights on... you were turning into red roses" -Thursday
"Do you like to hurt? I DO! I DO! So hurt me!!..." -BrightEyes
"I see your face with every breath I take, and every bone I break... it's all for you" -Yellowcard
"I know there's no such thing as safety, but I know what a promise can do" -Thrice
"Look what I've built, it shines so beautifully. Now watch as it destroys me..." -AFI
"Skip the pretense and cut straight to dying. Don't pick me to keep your eyes from crying. You said so much without even parting your lips..." -FromAutumnToAshes
"The hint of new tears are sharp. I try to hold them back, it's useless. I am useless against them.. they're beating me with ease. " -DashboardConfessional

2005-03-10T00:57:00.000-08:00

I got bored ... again.

It's over now...

2005-03-09T21:53:00.000-08:00

Ryan and I are no longer talking for good. We havent talk in a week and a half, as those of you who read my journal know. And... you may also have seen the shitty comments that he leaves and then totally denies. Well, when I blocked all comments from coming in... all of a sudden he unblocks me from IMing him and starts talking to me. If that doesn't give it away, I don't know what does. He basically told me he doesnt get what happened.. and I guess I don't entirely get it either. I just know that he was done and so am I... so why change that. I told him I wasn't over it, and then he said "me neither" until I told him that I meant I was that I wasn't over the hurtful things that he said to me. *sigh*. It's just... you don't call someone fat, and too tall, and ugly, and "a dime a dozen" and say it was to spite another person. You just... don't. I can't forgive someone who would do that. I told him he only wants to talk to me because I don't want to talk to him. It's all about control over me, and that's all it has ever been. It isn't about how he feels about me, it's about how I DON'T feel about him. And I don't want to feel anything for him. I won't miss him, because what is the point? That is what he wants. I am numb to him. It's going to be like he never existed... because that is easier. It will be easy for him too, girls like me are all over according to him... so he can get out there and swoop one right up. I know I might not be the most responsible person, or the smartest, but I know I have a great heart. When someone respects me, I devote myself to them. Ryan will never find someone to put up with as much as I did... and no one will ever love him the way I did either. I have a great heart... and he will never get another peice of it.

On a happier note.. a lot of stuff is going on right now that I am really excited about. My dad started up his business again and it's already going pretty well. I've also been talking to Jarrett a lot too... and so many good things are happening to him right now that is really exciting. He is such a sweetie. He told me I was beautiful :) and badass... *teehee* SWEET! Ummm... I also... even though its been done for a couple of days... am REALLY proud of my Brand New purse I made. Haha. It's so cool! AND SPRING BREAK IS ALMOST HERE! OMG! YES! I'm happy. mmmmmmmm.... Melissa, I miss our lime-aide that tastes like bad breathe. lol. Haha. Love you doll. Byebye for now everyone.

byebye.

2005-03-09T12:09:00.000-08:00

Okay. Seeing as all my friends just talk to me in person, the phone or through an IM about what I write in here... I will be taking the comments off once again for good. There really isn't any point to them, it's just a way Ryan, or "not Ryan" (maybe he has a new name he goes by, I don't know) ... it's just a way for him to somehow have contact with me, and... I don't want it. So... everyone say bye~bye to the comments. Haha. Later guyz.

Ps. I think I'm in love <3 =)

2005-03-08T08:20:00.000-08:00

I hate you, Ryan. Stop writing in my journal you fucker.

I heart my Jarr :)

2005-03-08T03:18:00.002-08:00

This is a little part of a convo I was having with Jarrett that I just thought was funny and wanted to share it with all you lovelies... lol. Just so its clear.. he was getting ready to leave, and I was teasing him about the night before when I was talking to Cope (a friend of his)... when Jarr was too drunk to talk himself. lol. Enjoy.

Me: lol
Jarrett: yay
Me: cope said youre the craziest
Me: and i believe it
Jarrett: i do too
Me: lol
Jarrett: but im the sweetest too
Me: i told him you were hot and he should hug you...
Me: but, he said you might grab him
Me: and he got scared
Me: lol
Jarrett: hes a loser
Me: so i told him id give him a dollar.....
Me: so he said "satin" loud
Jarrett: that punk
Me: lol
Me: and then i said
Me: when you pass out
Me: to take a dollar out of your wallet....LOL
Me: so...
Me: if youre missing a dollar, im sorry, i guess ill owe you
Me: lol
Jarrett: lol you suck
Me: i heart you
Me: lol
Me: =)~
Jarrett: goodnight you
Me: goodnight lover

hehe

2005-03-07T17:16:00.000-08:00

Someone is visiting this summer... Hint: he lives in Norway. *teehee*

b-i-t-c-h.

2005-03-07T12:05:00.000-08:00

if i dont talk to you... why dont you just keep it that way and not have any contact with me at all? And if youre gonna leave me rude comments, at least leave your name and stop being such a bitch about everything.

2005-03-06T22:17:00.000-08:00

Dude.. I just saw THE BEST THING EVER! Okay... so I'm going to get my meds and on the way back my sister wants to go up the hill to see her appt. So we go and then we come back down and notice a huge amount of foam. It turns out that someone put bubble bath in the fountain and it grew about 10 feet of foam! LOL! I love it! OMG!!! SO FUNNY!!! That's the best idea ever, I didn't think it would work though! Man!!! I wish I could meet whoever did that.... uhhh... anyone up for another fountain spring break?! lol. We gotta find that powder bubble bath so we can drop it in and run... then come back an hr later for pictures. lol! Yes!!!!

Cause it's all in my head...

2005-03-06T12:56:00.000-08:00

Okay~ weekend was pretty good. Hung out with my bestest girlie friends. That was fun. I went to the mall around 1 yesterday... hung out with Brit, Charli and Melis. Then after that, went to Melissa's for dinner, hung out, watched The Notebook! SO BEAUTIFUL AND SO SAD! I was crying! It made me want to fall in love so bad. I wish I had someone to be so damn passionate about. Someone to fight with, just so I can make up. *sigh*. It was good, if you haven't seen it, SEE IT! Ummm... then we went over to Charli's around midnight, and me... melis, brit, charli and lizeth hung out. good times. Then I went BACK to Melissa's at 2... slept til 12, watched her pack, got dressed, and now I am back to my depressing life. Joy. lol.

I haven't started taking my medicine yet. I gotta start tonight. *sigh* I'm scared... but it's come to the point that I don't know what else to do. I've been sad for like 3 years. I can't take it anymore.

Today is sunny and beautiful! I am going to be happy today!!!

I need love.

2005-03-04T15:06:00.000-08:00

Meh. Went to the Dr. today. It went okay I guess. I just felt REALLY stupid. Like... I had to fill out all these forms and take tests to see how depressed I was and shit. Ugh. And then my Dr. gives me Prozac....eek. That's what I need. Pills. Horrible. And on top of that... I have to stop drinking all caffinated drinks, and eating chocolate. :( Andddddd I also... have to start getting up at 8 o'clock every day no matter what time I get to sleep.. to change my sleeping patterns because my brain is so off set. This totally sucks. But.... on the bright side... it might make me better? we'll see. No party spring break though... I can't drink at all on these meds. *sigh* Maybe I will take up AJ on his plans. I dunno. *shrugs*.

It's March... weird.

2005-03-03T13:59:00.000-08:00

It's 2 o'clock... my day has barely even begun and I feel exhausted. It's like no matter how much sleep I get the night before... I'm still tired. It's so weird. I can't stand it. I was suppose to have a dr. appt. on Monday, but it turns out my dr. is sick. WTF? and it got moved until Friday. I'm nervous, but I think it will be good for me to get some help. I'm glad I have an appt too, because I have a major cold or allergies. I don't know... but yesterday I had a sinus headache of a life time. Ugh. I took some Tylenol PM though... man, that kicked my ass. Psh. lol. I passed out! It was weird. Ummm.... I've been talkin to Adam again lately. I miss that bugger whenever we don't talk... so it is nice to hear from my precious Addy. He IMed me though late last night and I had already passed out :( sadness. Hopefully I will get ahold of him soon today. love love. Oh! he just signed on. Weird again! I guess I will go and talk to him then, and write again later tonight. Fun. I'm glad OC is on tonight. Haha. Anyways... peace!

love-hate-tragedy.

2005-02-27T22:24:00.000-08:00

I can't believe you're so empty. And then you threaten me. Fuck you. I'm already dead, there is nothing more you can do.

sad songs

2005-02-27T02:26:00.000-08:00

Guess there are times when we all need to share a little pain
And ironing out the rough spots
Is the hardest part when memories remain
And it’s times like these when we all need to hear the radio
`cause from the lips of some old singer
We can share the troubles we already know

Turn them on, turn them on
Turn on those sad songs
When all hope is gone
Why don’t you tune in and turn them on

They reach into your room
Just feel their gentle touch
When all hope is gone
Sad songs say so much

If someone else is suffering enough to write it down
When every single word makes sense
Then it’s easier to have those songs around
The kick inside is in the line that finally gets to you
And it feels so good to hurt so bad
And suffer just enough to sing the blues

Sad songs, they say
Sad songs, they say
Sad songs, they say
Sad songs, they say so much

2005-02-26T16:05:00.000-08:00

I <3 Pirates.

I wish it was raining...

2005-02-26T03:57:00.000-08:00

Today wasn't too bad. I hope things get better though. Tomorrow = hopefully productive... I have a ton of things to do... but right now... I must sleep. It's 4 AM and I ... am crazy. lol. goodnight lovelies.

"I wish it was raining, cause I hate every beautiful day..."

meow

2005-02-25T19:21:00.000-08:00

I gave Mario, my cat, a bath... and he is not happy with me. lol. :( poor kitty.

I'm in a mad world

2005-02-24T21:59:00.000-08:00

I seriously feel like I am going to die. I am going to the doctor Monday to get anti-depressants. Today is the worst day of my life. I pray for lightning to strike my room as I slowly burn into oblivion.

This Years Love - David Gray

2005-02-22T14:42:00.000-08:00

This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so rightI start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on
Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cos it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
So who's to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on
And won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last

papa roach

2005-02-22T02:10:00.000-08:00

OoOOooOkay. That was an AWESOME concert. I had a great time. Papa Roach rocked. I loved "Broken Home" the best... I can feel that song so much. "Scars" was also insane. Me and my sister held hands and totally had a moment singing about our shitty father. Ha. I loved that I got to go with my sibs and AJ. It was a great time, and I hope I can do it again soon. It was an amazing night to say the least. :)

Ps. My legs hurt so bad. lol. "I want to see you bounce wit' me" -Lead singer of Skindread. Too much bouncing for me. =)~

"I know my mother loves me, but does my father even care? If I'm sad or angry, you were never ever there... when I needed you. I hope you regret what you did. I think I know the truth... YOUR FATHER DID THE SAME TO YOU! (did the same to you)"

2005-02-20T14:41:00.000-08:00

http://brandnew.falling-star.org

I did drugs

2005-02-20T03:37:00.000-08:00

It is 3 AM and I am sitting here, like a chunky butt monkey... eating a delicious donut! it's chocolate and very bad for my health... just like the pepsi i have been drinking all day. I swear, if you tipped me over, i would spill pepsi for you. I'm like a big ol glass of it. lol. I so did drugs tonight when I wasn't looking because I am saying THE weirdest shit ever. I watched Cellular tonight... ugh, not that great, but I wanted to finish it... which brings me to my next point... RYAN WHAT THE FLUCK!? yes, fluck! lol. Whats up? I came back after I told you I would and you left.... so whats up!? email, call, IM me... something. I KNOW! Leave a message .... AFTER THE BEEP! Wow. Poor me. Ummm.MmmMMmMM.... OH! SUMMER PROJECT 101!!! I am going to buy a volkswagen bug and me and AJ are gonna paint the outside SUPER COOL! I am so excited... One side is gonna be of us as rock stars with cool guitars and musical notes. Yes! He will have to draw it though, because he is better at drawing then me.. and I will just help paint it in! and then the other side is gonna be us with wings, maybe... thats not for sure yet. I just know I want to be a fallen angel or something like that. AND THEN! In the inside... the walls are gonna be covered (eventually) in pictures of our adventures in the special bus. Like... the beach... anddddd ... camping... andddd hawthorne... and anything else cool that we can think of later! dont be a hater. dont hate the player hate the game... player hater. ANYWAYS. Oh! I watched 13 going on 30 today.. hahahahahaaha.... that is the best chick flick EVER! Watch it, seriously... it's pretty cute. I am still badass even after watching it, so you can be too! WHAT ELSE? I want to quit school and be a rock star... but... that's just plan B. Only 3 weeks left of the term. Yay for that. *sigh*. Then a small break and back to school for another term of ass whipping. *gravy*. I want to make clothes. and start an ebay clothes shop. lol. that would be fun! look at hers...Supayana Creations That's not fair! lol. Okay! I am leaving now... I guess.... I will go back to my laundry.

Everytime you breathe a wish comes true...

2005-02-18T01:22:00.000-08:00

Some would say I was a rebel for what I am doing right now... lol. Yes, typing fast with wet nails! lol. They were green just a bit ago, but I decided to take it off and just go with the natural look of clear! so theyre all clean and shiny.... my toes too! Yay. Isn't that fun. Haha. I'm just thinkin I want them to be all healthy, so ...this is a way to get them there without being yellow from the dye in nail polish. UmmMm... I should probably stop biting them too. Yeah, I think I'll do that. *sigh*. Uhh... I have an application at Pretzelmaker in the mall... I wish they would call me!!! *prays*. If I got a job I would be oh so happy happy happy!!! Then I could save up for a car AND have a cell phone AND buy a few pretty dresses for my summer of comfort. Those are the goals at the moment. lol. That plus running... dude, I think those are always the goals. So sad.

Mario is sleeping on my floor. lol. He is so cute... except when earlier he jump up on me and dug his nails into my leg through my jeans. lol. It was so scary and random. I think I peed a little. Time to change the pants... soon my friends.

Fucckkk... my jeans are digging into me and I cant do anything about it because my nails are wet. ahhhhh.... Maybe this hanger will help...Oh! it did! lol. Nothing like shoving a hanger down your pants to unfold the top. HmmMmm.. I'm so psycho and I bet that made no since to anyone. lol. That's why I wear belts, so my jeans dont fold over and fall down and get all weird on me. WTF. I should have worn a belt tonight. Or this morning... whatever... It's so late. I have no idea why I am up.

Adam didn't write me back. WTF Adam! lol. JK.

Ryan doesn't love me... he is being weird. I don't get it.

AJ and Billy are so funny, they make me pee. Aussie Power!

Melissa... I haven't talked to you in a couple days, but it feels like forever. I miss you love.

Charli, Britt, all my girls... *sigh* I miss you all. I can't wait til summer where we can be inseperable and go shopping or to the river or whatever and just chill.

And lastly.... I need a bf. I am looking for tall, dark, and handsome. Find me *wink*

wow. "the longest story"

2005-02-17T22:50:00.000-08:00

far past these roads
there is a place
where all our precious dreams remain
someday I know
I'll find a way
to keep myself from holding on

stay awake with the sound of my voice
I'm restless from the silence in the air

I want to be
somewhere I cant see the roads
a place where every time you breathe
a wish comes true
I want to be
where all that's real...
in memories of distant days
come to life again

inside this room
time will stand still as long as
were not aware of change
the world outside
leaves me behind by myself
there's no mercy for those who hold on

stay awake with the sound of my voice
I'm restless from the silence in the air

I want to be
somewhere I cant see the roads
a place where every time you breathe
a wish comes true
I want to be
where all that's real...
in memories of distant days
come to life again

far past these roads
there is a place
where all our precious dreams remain
someday i know
ill find a way
to keep myself from holding on...

I want to be
somewhere I cant see the roads
a place where every time you breathe
a wish comes true
I want to be
where all that's real...
in memories of distant days
come to life again

~dLd

I hate that fucker

2005-02-17T14:41:00.000-08:00

My dad is such a fuck up... and he thinks he is hot shit. He doesn't even realize how much he has fucked himself over. I will have so much glory the day he is a bum... I see it happening VERY soon. Ugh. It would be better if he just died though. Pray for that too happen... something painful.

nysnc....

2005-02-16T20:47:00.000-08:00

Nsync Store: Closed all I know... is my life... is over. WTF?! All I wanted was a freakin Nsync T-Shirt. I miss Joey and Lance, damnit!

Life is hard.

2005-02-16T02:31:00.000-08:00

"I can't help you fix yourself, but at least I could say I tried... I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life..." I got pApA rOACh stuck in my head. *rarr*. oh well. I got that concert on Monday, so that's exciting... I'm freakin tired and I should be in bed, but I am sick and the second I lay down I won't be able to breathe again. *totally sucks*. I didn't do any homework either... I actually dont even know if I have any. I am so fucked from being sick. I haven't been in class in 2 days, I miss one of my midterms, and I dont see myself getting up and going tomorrow either. My mom would kill me if she knew I was up right now, so I am trying to type all slow and quiet. Ha.. that's hard. UmMMmmMmm... I watched The Recruit today.. I swear Colin Ferrel is SO SEXY! lol. I bet he is good in bed... seriously... he's... insane. Watch him throw that girl on the bed in that movie, and how he pins her arms up with power. Just watch, seriously, then you will know what I mean and not just think I am a deprived sex freak. You'll see... I know you will, even if you don't admit it. Haha. Oh! If you didn't notice... my comments are back, and as long as people are nice about things, and comment NICELY only, that will last. If not I'll just take it off again... should be interesting to see how long it takes before that gets fucked again. Tomorrow... I am setting up my cam for sure, so... if I don't look like death I really will actually post pictures... that's exciting, right? I think so. Lets see, lets see....anything else? hmmm... My parents = fighting so much I am going insane. I wish I could say everything that is happening, but it's so embarassing and sad that I don't even believe it myself. I know it is like the worst thing ever to supress my feelings and that I am only pushing myself further into depression, but I have no idea how to express what I am feeling or thinking... Because of all this shit the simple things (going to school, eating, being a fucking teenager) are hard. I wake up wanting to pull my eyes out and cut off my legs so I don't have to do anything *sigh*. I made a new goal for myself to get myself out of the house and to breath some real air. I dont know if I believe I will even do it anymore, but I want to be able to run a mile in 6 mins. I am so out of shape I know it will take me a while to do it, months probably, but... it has to be worth it. Making my goal while getting a sexy tone body and clearing my mind everyday. Getting pissed and only running harder and faster. I wish I would do it. I wish I could do so much more that I am doing... and so much more than I probably ever will. I am so lost. This wasn't suppose to turn into venting, bitching, or making people feel sorry for me. So... before I continue to do that, I will go to bed. Goodnight.

2005-02-13T14:29:00.000-08:00

Happy vday

2005-02-13T14:11:00.000-08:00

For those of you who read... you probably noticed I haven't updated in quite some time. It's been a very stressful time for me.. and updating was definately not a first priority.

The main thing happened Friday. My grandma... lost it. She was completely hallucinating and everything. So we took her to the emergency room where I sat off and on for 8 hrs. They thought she had fluid in her lungs, and it could be pneumonia and then they decided that wasn't it... so they brought in a EKG (which is used to measure your heart rate or something... they use it when you have heart disease)... and they decided she was not in an emergency situation "right now" and sent her home. I guess she is doing better... but it's definately stressful. She is REALLY unhealthy. She is overweight, has diabetes, heart disease and she takes about 18 pills twice a day. Ugh. Poor Grammy.

Other things: school is hard. I have a midterm and a test tomorrow in my classes. And I have 2 projects to do tonight. lol... I should have done them sooner... buuutt..... no.

Ryan and me are talking again *sigh*. I know that will piss a lot of you off. but... eh.. oh well. Bring it to me, I'm ready. lol.

I was suppose to have guitar lessons this week and they didnt work out... so this Friday, we'll see what happens. I was also suppose to go see Melissa from sat-sun, but with everything going on that didn't work out either.

I've written a few really good songs lately. I hope to make them into something great soon. I'm really excited about these last few *smiles*

2005-02-08T00:00:00.000-08:00

Adam!

Hey Jude...

2005-02-06T22:49:00.000-08:00

OoOooOkay. Hmph. Today... alright. I think it went way too fast. I am sleepy, but... no, too fast. I want like.... 6 more hrs. Ha. I say that... and then in 6 hrs when I am laying in bed staring at the clock I'm going to be fucking pissed.

Been talking to Adam for the last 2 days. Fun times. I missed him. I am hoping he comes back here later tonight to talk to me some more. yay for that.

I am trying to cut the toxic people out of my life. I feel like I need to get rid of the people I let constantly hurt me. and the people that ONLY talk to me to hurt me. That... sucks. lol. It's hard for me too, because that is what I know. Abuse. Which... took me a while to realize. But now that I do... I'm taking care of it the best that I can. *sigh*

Half time show ROCKED! I love Paul McCartney. Seriously. He rocks... I love the Beatles and... I was soooo psyched that he performed "Hey Jude" because that's my favorite Beatles song. YyyYyay for that.

"Hey Jude... don't make it bad...

Take a sad song and make it better.

Remember to let her into your heart..

Then you can start to make it better...."

I found a hot pink couch... and if the girls and I get an appt I'm gonna see if they don't mind me buying that for the living room because it is SUPER hot. I love it. eeeeeeeeeeee

I am gonna go stare at things now. Farewell my lovers.

sometimes I feel I could drop right off the face of the earth...

2005-02-05T01:20:00.000-08:00

So, today I slept a lot. I am really upset about a lot of things. Charli, for one. I just want her to be safe, and better, and I hope that going to this hospital will bring her the good help she needs. I am upset with my dad, because it seems like he will never be able to get things right... and I am upset with my mom because she seems like she will always be sad, and that's okay, but me being sad is some kind of sin. I can't stand it. I am also upset that Ryan is such an asshole. I thought all day about whether or not I should try to talk to him. But... he took care of that tonight with his shit. First writing shitty comments in my journal (which is why I have made them all hidden) and then IMing me and saying the most rediculous shit ever to me. I don't even care anymore. I don't care if I ever talk to him again. I'd rather he'd never heard my voice. It's too good for him, and I don't need him.

Good things that happened! AJ is one of the most awesome people on earth. He makes me feel great about myself and he is wonderfully supportive about everything I do. I need to spend more time with him, but I spend so much time just being sad and alone. I need to change that about myself, but it's going to take time.

Melis and Brit are going to move to Portland for sure if they get into PSU, which they will. They are both incredibly smart and I believe in them. So.... when that happens, next fall... we're all getting an appt together. I am VERY excited. I already have planned out how my room is going to look. lol. I am such a nerd

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELISSA! I am sure you are partying up right now, so I will call ya in the morning. I love you. CHECK YOUR MAIL! lol. Not e-mail... mail mail.

Ummm....Oh yeah! Zeb and me are starting guitar lessons for sure next Friday. I told him even if I try to cancel to just come and get me. Because.. I am a slacker. He said I need to get on it, because I am putting off the "greatness". lol. Zebster is a funny one.

COREY! I don't know where he has been... I miss that lover. I will find him.

Alright, I believe I'm done. FOR NOW!

2005-02-05T00:31:00.000-08:00

2005-02-04T19:55:00.000-08:00

...sigh...

2005-02-04T19:36:00.000-08:00

There he goes...

and he's right on track

he said for now I can't be here

but I'm coming back

And he knows ...

in the same old sky

that I'll be up within the clouds

Makin sure he's fine

And I, I don't wanna be alone

you know I come from a broken home

I, I just can't do without it, yeah..

Here I go, here me call out after you

bouncing off of the satelites

a few broken words to get me through this

I'm letting out what I'm always holding in

gone away... but im coming back again

Only you can get me through this

Things will change

and I'll take the blame

but what I am to you

will remain the same

A fair exchange

when there's nothing clear

to take so many things...

that I can't be near

and I, I don't wanna be alone

you know I come from a broken home

I... I just can't do without...

2005-02-03T21:03:00.000-08:00

I thought I was a nerd... but I guess not... *sad*

Daddy's Little Defect.

2005-02-02T01:02:00.000-08:00

I can't sleep. It's awful. I have class in 7ish hrs. *sigh*. My dad was crying today about how much he's screwed up with everyone. I honestly can say now that I know he feels bad for the things he has done. I feel bad for hating him so much, it's like I forgot he was a person. I treat him horribly, and I know he's done a lot of bad things, but I'm not sure the way I have reacted has been right. He told me tonight, randomly, "I'm sorry, Rebecca" and in a panic not knowing really what to do, I said "for what?" and he just started crying again but harder, and then left the room. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to hug him, but it didn't seem right, or natural. More like a forced feeling that would make him feel better, or maybe make me feel better. I don't know. I don't know what held me back, but I didn't hug him. When he came back in the room I just tried to talk to him about what was on tv. Music- a usual topic with me and my dad. I have so many ideas and thoughts about it, and I like to share with him because he always puts in what he thinks about it. I know I will always get an honest answer back, not just someone agreeing with me to shut me up. That is one thing about my dad, he has always made me feel smart... and always been willing to converse with me about different topics and issues. *sigh* I don't know what I'm really saying. I just feel like ....shit. Tonight we were watching American Idol. Me and my family have watched that show obsessively for the last 2 seasons. And anyways... we were watching and this kid came on talking about how his dad was a peice of shit, basically. And my dad turned to me and said "There ya go, that's what you can say about me when your famous". It broke my heart that he is so down. I don't know if anyone deserves to feel so bad. I know what it feels like to die inside, and to give up on yourself, and I don't wish those feelings on anyone. And I honestly hope he feels better. And if I ever do get famous, I will thank him... he's always believed in me, and has always thought I was a good, and smart person. And I do appreciate him for that.

2005-02-01T01:31:00.000-08:00

Your Sex Icon by xo wildxfire ox
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2005-01-31T21:04:00.000-08:00

yes, another reconstruction from yours truely...

FATA - Autumn's Monologue

2005-01-31T17:23:00.000-08:00

Oh why cant I be what you need

a new improved version of me

but i'm nothing so good

no i'm nothing

just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs

of violence of love and of sorrow

i beg for just one more tomorrow

where you hold me down fold me in

deep deep deep in the heart of your sins

I break in two over you

I break in two

And each piece of me dies

And only you can give the breath of life

But you dont see me, you dont...

here i'm in between darkness and light

bleached and blinded by these nights

where im tossing and tortured til dawn

by you, visions of you then youre gone

the shock lifts the red from my face

when i hear someone's taking my place

how could love be so thoughtless, so cruel

when all, all that i did was for you

i break in two over you

i break in two and each piece of me dies

and only you can give the breath of life

but you dont see me you dont..

i break in two over you

i break in two and each piece of me dies

and only you can give the breath of life

but you dont see me you don't...

i break in two over you

i break in two over you, over you

i break in two i would break in two for

you now you see me now you don't

now you need me now you don't

Drama 101

2005-01-29T03:51:00.000-08:00

Today has been interesting to say the least. I did things I promised myself I wouldn't do, and I don't know if it makes me weak, or just forgiving. I think people think I am an easy target, and I think people honestly like to hurt me. *sigh* Maybe that's why I'm here. Just to be hurt. For people to play games with. I don't know what I feel anymore. I know I am hurt, but I am almost numb to all situations. I'm just so... so confused, I guess. Not even about one particular situation. Just about everything. Who am I? Where am I going? Who will I become? Will I ever truely be happy? I guess I choose my own fait. And I need to figure out what I want in life. Not what other people want for or from me.
It's tough- especially when you have no idea who you are inside, besides lost and empty.

"The Truth.... is you could slit my throat

And with my one last gasping breath...

I'd appologize for bleeding on your shirt

And all I need to know

Is that I'm something you'll be missing...

Maybe I should hate you for this

Never really did ever quite get that far...." -TBS

You know who you are.

2005-01-28T13:10:00.000-08:00

"Goodbye to you, goodbye to you

you're taking up my time

Goodbye to you, goodbye to you

I'm about to see a million things
I thought I'd never see before and I
I'm about to do all of the things
I've dreamed of and
I don't even miss you at all"

Oh well. I'll leave YOU with that

2005-01-28T01:07:00.000-08:00

My newest creation.

'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside...

2005-01-28T01:00:00.000-08:00

Wow. Today. Boring. I am so sleepy now. But… cool things did happen today. Like…. Exercising and… Corey trying to talk me into buying a skank ass $72 dress. Okay... If I'm gonna look like a skank.... I'll go naked for free.... and then Jennifer buying me Papa Roach tickets. Yay. Not a favorite band album wise, but definitely a favorite to see live. They are awesome in concert. So dead on and soooooo energizing. You leave the place feeling alive. It’s amazing. And I love that feeling. Ummmm… some shitty things happened today too… like… cutting my finger on a can. I so got Melissa syndrome. Haha. Poor Melissa. And I also, totally can't write. And it's all because the stress of school. It has to be. I can't write since the new term started. Fuck school.

"But she’s touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now,
Let me go…
And I just can’t look, it’s killing me…
And taking control…." –The Killers
They rock. I love music, and without it… I would literally DIE!

2005-01-26T21:46:00.000-08:00

SuNLighT sHiNing ThRouGh mY wInDOw LetS mE kNow ThAt I'M StILL AliVE...

2005-01-26T21:29:00.000-08:00

Okay. So.... things are a bit better. I sat down and talked to my mom and I think things are going to be okay. She appologized for the things she said, and vice versa. Too much was going up in those moments and words were being thrown around just to spite eachother. It was sad stuff though... especially since I believe that every lie carries a truth. My mom is upset that I want to get out of here, and shes pretty open about it, and I hate that. It's... a ton of pressure. I don't know. Yesterday she said something like "I can't believe you're going to leave me..." or something. I don't even know. *sigh*. People are weird.

Colin wrote me the sweetest e-mail ever tonight. I am so happy for him. Alex seems like the sweetest girl ever, I swear. Awwwww....

Boys are funny. Jealous boys are funnier, but I can't keep their attention long enough to play.

Kendrick beat my ass tonight, twice. Man... that sucks. Try to beat up your bro and he beats you up... when he is 13. Man.. that sucks....

Charli said thanks for her bday present. It kind of makes me sad that she didn't know it was from me too to begin with. Oh well. I love you to death Charli, and I hope to give you a big ol' hug very soon. *muah*

I can't wait til Loveline. That show makes me feel normal. Until then... I'll be in the shower. Holla'!!!!!

$$$BliNg$$$

What?

"I try so fucking hard, but I can't fit your mold" -SF

2005-01-25T01:44:00.000-08:00

Meh. Interesting day to say the least. Got in a huge fight with my mom. She basically told me that all I ever do is tell her how she needs to run her life and how stupid she is, etc etc. Okay. I have never done that. I wouldn't. All I ever do is tell her how much I will be there for her, forever. I respect her so much, or at least I did until she said all that. Then I told her she could basically F*Off and didn't talk to her the rest of the night, even when she talked to me. I think she thought it was funny. She got the boys to make little noises at me when I walked into the room. It was so immature and retarded. Ugh. It's like... she tells me how I shouldn't get married and I should just focus on a career and forget men, and we should live together and all this crap. She wants me to take care of her, and make her happy. Not me. She doesn't want me to get married because then where will she fit in the picture? Her marriage didn't work out, so why should I have a stable and happy relationship? ...She is so selfish. But to her, I am the selfish one. She has given me everything. If everything means materials, yeah... in the past she has. But she has broken me down. She constantly fights with my dad,, and I know he is the biggest loser on earth, but don't fight in front of your kids. Don't break us down and only think terrible things. If she cared so much about us, she would leave him and take care of us. It's not even me. I can take care of myself. I mean, I really could if I wanted to. I just wanted to focus on school as much as possible. But if I had to quit, and get a job. I could. But she should seriously be thinking about her younger kids. Matthew is thinking about quitting school now too. I know how he feels. It is the most depressing thing when you have to have the stress of home, which is HUGE, on top of stressing about school, and college and your future. It's so hard.

And school is getting harder being here. It's like... I want to finish... but, I could always get a job and get the hell out of here for good. Either way my self esteem is pretty shot. I don't know. Totally sucks.

Then I talk to people about my feelings and I don't think it makes things any better. They only get mad at me for craving an escape. I know that I shouldn't do things that are a temporary escape... but god, I want to get away so bad. I can only think of one permanent solution, and that doesn't look so bright and cheerful either. =*(

I feel like I have been killed. Like I am a walking dead creep. I have nothing. And today, when my mom said all this shit to me I realized how alone I really am. Here... I have no one. I am me, and I have no one else. *I walk alone*. I can't even explain how awful that feels. The Lonely Loser. That's me.

I have a huge Psych test tomorrow. It's on chapter 2&3. Should be interesting since I have only read chapter 2 so far. The plan is to hopefully go to sleep and wake up a little early to study. It's possible... I don't have class til 1. So...we'll see.

I know I can do anything in the world, but more then ever, I fear failure. I am starting to doubt myself. I am at my all time low, and I don't know what to do.

Poetic Tragedy- The Used

2005-01-24T18:07:00.000-08:00

The cup is not half empty as pessimists say

As far as he's sees, nothing's left in the cup

A whole cup full of nothing for him to indulge

Since the voice of ambition has long since been shut up

A singer, a writer, he's not dreaming now of going nowhere

He gave heed to nothing, and all that he was....

Is just a tragedy

So he voyages in circles

Succeeds getting nowhere

And submits to the substance

That first got him there

Then in violent, frustration, he cries out to God or just no one

Is there a point to this madness and all that he was....

Is just a tragedy

He feels alone

His heart in his hand

He's alone

He feels aloneI feel....

Then on that last day he breaks

And he stood tall

And he yelled... and he takes his life

-I think that just about sums up how I feel right now.

Last update of the night

2005-01-23T22:51:00.000-08:00

Okay. Updated way too much today. And now... I'm sleepy. lol. Not from updating though, I promise. It's the meds. Ummm... today was pretty boring all together. I cleaned my room.... played online... did laundry and did SOME of my hw... avoiding the rest. I'm super cool like that. Ugh! Tomorrow is gonna suck. That fucking David kid is gonna bug me about why I didnt come to his party for the 3 weekend in a row. And I have to give him some lame excuse, when really I should just be like "cause I cant really fucking stand you" but in a somewhat nicer way *sigh*! You'd think he would just get it, but no. He is like the female Jamie. I havent seen her in like... over a month... and she keeps calling me! Isn't that creepy as fuck? Like 4 days ago I think she called *shivers* I am so scared. lol. It would be like extra creepy if she read this and had her Nazi bf (LITERALLY!) kill me. Bye bye Becca. I feel sorry for myself. I need a job. meh meh. I hope I get called for an interview soon. They said they were putting my app on the top of the stack for a group interview. *cries* I want to go shopping! lol. yyyyeah... oOkayOokKay... I think it's time to stop this entry...yeahh... lol. Until Next time! LATERZ!!

M to the Z

2005-01-23T22:43:00.000-08:00

Melis and Zet after going through some crazy paint frenzy of mine. haha. I think theyre BEAUTIFUL!

2005-01-23T16:39:00.000-08:00

*Happy Happy Happy*

2005-01-23T15:56:00.000-08:00

Ryan as an emo. Aw, don't cry.

Insomnia?

2005-01-23T01:21:00.000-08:00

It's official, I have insomnia... great. lol.

send me YOUR pic!

2005-01-23T01:19:00.000-08:00

OoOooHhh! Everyone needs to send me pix of themselves so I can make them all crazy and decorated pretty (like I keep doing to every picture I can get ahold of!) and then I can post them in my journals! so please please please send me pix! ALL OF YOU! xcontagiouzlipz@aol.com SEND IT!

I love Melissa... she smells TERRIFIC!

2005-01-23T01:17:00.000-08:00

OoOoohhh.... there is a lovely hottie from the used... wow. i love his hair. its real big. hAHAha! OooOkay! My day! Pretty good. Hung out with Melissa&Brit. I miss those little devils. Haha. It was fun. We got Charli a birthday present. Unfortunately I cant yet say where we got it.... soon my little grasshoppers. Um. Yeah. I'm super tired. Pretty sure I creeped Ryan out by knowing him "too well" lol. oops. I tried to call him. He always bitches that I dont call him, and then when I do.. no answer. Very sad. No love for Becca....well, maybe there's a little. He is just in dreamland. Awww. Let's see, lets see... what else? I don't know! I am about to freakin pass out. I'm so bored. I thought I would be able to go to sleep really fast, and that's why I came home tonight. I should have just stayed at Melissa's. I'm not gonna sleep. This has to be unhealthy...I NEVER sleep. I like... half sleep during the day, but don't sleep at all at night. Meh! Melis told me about her ideas about next year. I really hope she chooses to come here. I want her to do what she wants though, and if she chooses to go somewhere else I will totally understand. *sigh* sooo much to think about. I should do hw while I feel like I am insane. Probably not...

2005-01-22T22:47:00.000-08:00

emo emo emo emo emo

CARTOONS!!

2005-01-22T13:53:00.000-08:00

I made them into cartoons! I'm SOOOO excited! Yes!!! haha. If you don't know who that is... you suck!

Moving Day for JP!

2005-01-22T01:34:00.000-08:00

Yo! lol. Ummmm.... yeah. So... skipped class today, again. Bad idea. Meh. But I felt sooooo horrible. My head is awful. My sister is giving me some strong pills that she got for her back though, before she leaves tonight. That's good. I need some meds badly. And if you know me well, you know I hate taking meds and won't usually take them for a headache, but this is uggghhhhhh... sadness. Tonight I went to my sister's to help her pack up her appt. She is movin' in with her boyfriend. They're all *serious* n' shit. Ha! On the way home we listened to N'Sync and then I saw 2 boys peeing on a wall. Aw. I love drunken boys who pee. HAHAHA.... ummmm... ignore that. Lets seee.... I'm so sleepy, but I swear I had something to say! lol. Oh yeah! Melissa!!! What happened to you!? You never called me! It makes me sad... like.. a baby without candy. Yes... that sad... haha. I hope you call me tomorrow!! I love youuuuuuuu <3<3<3

*************************

Ryan! You are such a dirty boy! Please ignore all messages left by him! haha. He called me today! Bad you! At 7 o'clock in the morning! *rarr* I'm glad I was sleeping... well.... until he called me again at 1! Haha. I don't even know why he called. I think he just wanted to hear my beautiful voice. He loves me... but he is in denial. Aren't we all? Ryan is such a sweetheart even though he is stoned off his ass and passed out right now. That's okay. lol.

2005-01-21T18:29:00.000-08:00

color your own becca, anyone?

New Journal!

2005-01-21T01:02:00.000-08:00

So this is going to be my new lovely journal. I hope you all love it as much as I do. I actually know how to work this one... SOMEWHAT better than the others. At least with the pictures and all that junk, thanks to AJ. ha. Ummmm... yeah. It's midnight. Loveline is over now. Very sad! I should be writing a paper... should have a long time ago... but... ehhhh... I feel like shit to be honest. I am so depressed. I dunno how to be happy today. Very no good. I am stressed, and I've had a headache for around a week... eekkk... Anyways.... better go... I'll update again tomorrow. See ya punx!

2005-01-20T17:04:00.000-08:00

me again

Becca Lu's Journal

WHAT!?

My eyes burn...

what are you?

rude.

Definately an emo day.

It's over now...

byebye.

I heart my Jarr :)

hehe

b-i-t-c-h.

Cause it's all in my head...

I need love.

It's March... weird.

love-hate-tragedy.

sad songs

I wish it was raining...

meow

I'm in a mad world

This Years Love - David Gray

papa roach

I did drugs

Everytime you breathe a wish comes true...

wow. "the longest story"

I hate that fucker

nysnc....

Life is hard.

Hey Jude...

sometimes I feel I could drop right off the face of the earth...

...*sigh*...

Daddy's Little Defect.

FATA - Autumn's Monologue

Drama 101

You know who you are.

'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside...

"I try so fucking hard, but I can't fit your mold" -SF

Poetic Tragedy- The Used

Last update of the night

M to the Z

Insomnia?

send me YOUR pic!

I love Melissa... she smells TERRIFIC!

CARTOONS!!

Moving Day for JP!

New Journal!

...sigh...